my walk with God

Higher Standards?

2010-07-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

Should we, as children of God, as disciples of Christ, be held to a higher standard?

Toddlers, kids go to school, learn new things, grow somewhat wiser, and expectations of us likewise increases. Parents expect us to know right from wrong, to take responsibility for our mistakes. Society holds us accountable for our crimes if any.

Before rebirth, we followed the ways of the world, lost, until He saved us. As children of God we learn our Father's ways, try to make our thoughts like His. With all that education, knowledge, guidance, shouldn't we be held to a higher standard? After all, we are no longer accountable to the world, but to God, shouldn't we strive to be men/women after His heart?

Perhaps its shouldn't be called "higher" standards, perhaps they are just different standards altogether.

Of Hanoi and Hope

2009-12-14T19:24:00.002+08:00

Just got back from Hanoi 3pm yesterday. God has been beyond good as always. I've never seen or experienced the Holy Spirit move so massively, so powerfully.

The biggest takeaway I have from this trip is a new-found sense of who I am in God's eyes. His amazing love for us, all of us, is just breathtaking. I'm so very very loved and feel so very very very blessed.

So all in all, a fantastic learning experience accompanied by generous portions of awesome food and the nicest people ever! I am glad to be home though. I've missed this tiny island. :)

Will post in detail soon!

God bless ya'll.

The Someday List

2009-12-02T16:11:00.003+08:00

1. Watch M rock out in front of a live audience

2. Catch Paul Anka's big band version of Oasis's Wonderwall, live

3. Hit up Cova

4. NYE

5. For M to meet with my girls, get interrogated and laugh loads.

6. April Fool's

7. Travel

8. To be able to make actual plans

9. A dog named boo

Yes, these may always be hopelessly romantic dreams of ours, but we have them anyway.

And this list can only keep growing for now.

This season in summary

2009-11-30T04:07:00.003+08:00

Okay, this is a massive information overload, esp since I've already posted 5 entries before this, but I might as well fill this blog up with whatever I can, while I remember to do so.

I will do it quick, in brief points.

I will be leaving in 4 days for a mission trip to Hanoi, where we will be holding workshops for up to 150 youths and some 40-50 youth leaders. Please keep the team in prayer. Most of us have never taught anything before, much less spoken in front of that many people. We aren't leaders in church, with the exception of one Pastor Henry who's leading the team up, so the butterflies in our tummies are going kinda crazy.
Mission trip to Hanoi - God has shown His provision time and time again. We prayed for the right team to come together, and He brought forth the most eclectic team mix. It could only be God... yet it works in a strange and wonderful way. He's provided for us in terms of funds as well. We're covering our own air tickets, meals and accommodation of course, but we prayed for funding for the rental of the conference rooms in Hanoi, sponsorship for some of the youth, love gifts, etc and He sent someone to bless us with $3,000. Another team member's dad is sponsoring the printing of our team notebooks, and a friend stepped up to sponsor travel insurance for the team. How good is our Lord!!
I started seeing someone, M, then stopped it because of promptings from the Holy Spirit. Yes, the feelings are still there, and yes he checks off many of the things I want in a partner, but I trust in the Holy Spirit and I just want to be obedient to His leading. Only if we both walk closer to God will we ever be able to get closer to each other. I think M, needs to get closer to God first. I don't want to be a distraction, nor the reason for him to seek God. I know I can only be with someone who loves God more than anything else, me included. As much as it hurts us both at the moment, we both know that it isn't right by God right now. It seems to be a matter of time, however, God's timing works on a different clock, so we will see. I know He holds tomorrow, and I know He holds my hand.
I've started mentoring someone in church as well. Its a lot more difficult than I thought it would ever be. So if you get a chance, pray for me please?
I'm praying for what God wants me to do with my life. I think its about time I found out about my life's calling, not just my seasonal duties. Surely it can't be to teach?

I know who holds tomorrow

2009-11-30T04:04:00.002+08:00

This song was just sent to me by a friend. God speaks beautifully through music. This may just be the song to carry me through this season.

Phew / Sorry everyone!

2009-11-30T04:02:00.007+08:00

I've procrastinated about it for a year now, but finally all the journals from my trip to Laos/Ubon last year have been posted! I figured I had better post it before I go on this year's mission trip. It would be really spastic to wait any longer.

I really do apologise about the year's delay.

Back to BKK

2009-11-30T03:57:00.004+08:00

We're on the train back to Bangkok now. Had a pretty good dinner on board. This is much more comfortable than the bus for sure though it takes a couple of hours more. My first proper train ride! Its such an eye-opener!

The team has really bonded and we pray that this bond continues to grow stronger even after our return.

We shared about meeting our individual expectations today during our last meeting with Uncle J. All our expectations have been met! Praise the Lord! For myself, I had listed four different ones and the Lord has met them all above and beyond. He's stretched me and we definitely have grown closer as friends. He was there for me every step of the way. Shown me His magnitude and unfailing love... how big is He! He's taken me out of my comfort zone and not only shown me how little I need to survive, but how much easier it is to draw closer to Him, to be still with Him when there are less material things, less distractions around me. There's a love for children that's been placed in my heart and for once I actually think that I can have my own children and not kill them.

How blessed we are to be in Singapore and how blessed Singapore is. Auntie M (Uncle J's wife) shared how she feels that Singapore has been blessed so that her and her people will bless others.

SY had a personal breakthrough today. While sharing just before we left the house, he cried for the first time in years. It really moved us all to tears too. God's amazing love is moving in his life in a very obvious way.

At the school today, everything was so powerful. We got to perform for and interact with 1,000 children. The girls were impeccably behaved and absolutely adorable. Some of the boys however... insanely mischievous! It was pretty hilarious. When we gave out the gifts we had brought for the kids, they were so appreciative of such small items like a pen, a pencil, a wafer biscuit and a couple of Mentos sweets. Many kids in Singapore would have complained about how it wasn't a PSP and thrown the little gift bags aside. How blessed we are to be able to take such things for granted growing up. There was a little girl I really connected with at the school. While they were organising mass games, some of us went amongst with the kids to encourage participation and I stood beside that little girl in her purple jacket. She was probably around six or seven years old. After receiving her Christmas gift, she came up to me with her chubby friend, opened up the plastic bag, took out her pen and wanted to give it to me as a present. She had so little and yet still wanted to share her gift with me! I had to stop myself from tearing. Both of them gave Jas, Z and I such warm hugs. They have so little yet they still try to share the best that they have with us. With hearts like that as non-Christians, imagine how much more brilliant they would be with God's fire in their hearts.

"I could sing of His love forever."

Day 5 in Ubon

2009-11-30T03:47:00.003+08:00

All the rehearsals have paid off! We performed at a church and a village today.

I led devotion today. :) We talked about spiritual gifts as well. Some of them would like to go thru Know Your Shape (This is a class about spiritual gifts) when we get back.
Uncle J baptised Jo, Jas and another boy - DP in the Holy Spirit today. We prayed over them and tears flowed from everyone. Pastor Josh prophesied over Darren, then he would minister to children. It was incredible. The day before that DP and I had spoken about what he was intending to do now that he has just completed his o levels. He was lost and clueless and God gave him direction through Uncle J. He's now set on continuing his studies in early childhood education. The atmosphere was amazing. God's presence was there with us the entire time. Everyone prayed at the same time, out loud. One of the mindblowing prayer sessions I've ever experienced. While praying over Jo, I got a couple of images from God for her - a tiny seedling taking root in rich and fertile soil with God's light shining brightly over it and an eagle with a wide wingspread soaring high in the bright blue sky.
We performed Lifehouse's Everything skit at the school. Lifehouse's Everything skit was really powerful I must say. Jo was awesome playing the female lead. Right after that though, she fell pretty sick. She had a fever earlier. Now she's got flu like symptons and swollen eyes too. Pray for her healing. I think sometimes when we're doing good work for God, the evil one uses illness as well to take away our focus from our Father.

At the village, DL preached and shared his testimony about Christmas and hope. It was a simple message that cut to the point, yet it was powerful and easy for the villagers to comprehend. He spoke of God's love in his life, how God was with him during his hard times and his good, how when he was lost, God gave him direction, when he was sad, God made him happy. God's annointing was indeed upon him.

The church gave little presents in a "lucky draw" kinda way at the village. Those gifts would not have gotten a Singaporean out of his chair, yet the villagers glowed and were so happy to receive them. Simple things like a t-shirt, shampoo, comforters and bottles of drinks were so so appreciated by them. Things that we take for granted as "basic necessities" in Singapore.

We're on our way back now to the house now to pack over 1,000 bags of gifts for the mental hospital and school that we will be visiting tomorrow. Pray that the Lord multiplies the fruits of our labour and time and we get everything completed tonight and ample time for sleep too!

Day 4 in Laos (part 2 of 2)

2009-11-30T03:45:00.002+08:00

Lots to do tomorrow. We'll be performing and sharing at a church and a village tomorrow so that will be pretty interesting. 3 of them, Jas, SY and E will be sharing their testimonies and DL, our team leader, will be preaching on Christmas and hope.

Off to bed now too. We've just finished rehearsals and are absolutely exhausted. Keep praying for us. Pray that tomorrow we will touch lives, that it won't be just entertainment that we're providing but we'll be creating life-changing moments. That God will speak to the villagers through us and seeds will be planted in their hearts.

Day 4 in Laos (part 1 of 2)

2009-11-30T03:41:00.005+08:00

We've been carrying around our garbage because we never found any bins. Today, we finally learnt why we couldn't ever find any dustbins in Laos. They threw all their trash into seemingly random piles around their compound and burnt them every night. Plastic bottles and all. Not the most environmentally friendly means of disposal but its understandable as they do not have any other option. One mystery solved!

Last night Jo and I were talking just before we fell asleep. The morning before, after Z had led us in devotion, some of us had taken turns praying for the team. Somehow when Uncle J prompted me to pray, I felt the Holy Spirit push for me to pray for those who did not yet have the ability to speak in tongues and I did, laying my hand on Jo's shoulder, even though I wasn't entirely sure if she was able to. Unknown to me, at that exact point, she had been asking God about the same thing. Our Lord works in awesome mind-blowing ways!

Jas led us in devotion today after breakfast.
We talked about sin and the Lord's grace. Made me think about how I sometimes took His infinite grace for granted. Shortly after while doing quiet time, the Holy Spirit got me to read John 15:1-17. I feel like I'm drawing closer to my personal Jesus here. In Singapore, we live in so much comfort that it is easy to set God aside. Over here, out of my comfort zone and in the battleground, I lean more on my Master, my Commander for instructions and direction. There is more God-reliance and less self-reliance, less distractions, more stillness.

D and E have proved themselves to be the himbo and bimbo of the group, providing much entertainment. Here's a great takeaway - D, "the sky very dusty today ah, cannot see many stars." - he meant cloudy. Haha.

We're on the way to the largest waterfall in SEA now. More updates to follow.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Day 3 in Laos

2009-11-30T03:32:00.004+08:00

On the way to the coffee plantation now. We were blessed with snake soup last night. Tastes just like chewy chicken!

They said that its nearby, so we expect a 7-8 hour drive. Even the locals have warned us that it will be even colder where we're going - 10 and below. We've started sharing warm clothes with those who haven't brought enough. There's a great sense of "kampung" spirit.

We rested well last night. Zipped ourselves into our sleeping bags at 9pm and got up at 6.30am. After the earlier few days of little sleep, it was super shiok for all of us!

This morning Z lead us in devotion. We all shared about our readiness to heed God's call, and learnt from Pastor George that we are all precious - We have God's fire within us, with His "ark" in us, we are definitely ready.

Last night Uncle J and his colleague, N both encountered spirits who tried to molest them physically in their sleep. Uncle J had a male spirit attack him and Nung had a female spirit attack her. God left remnants of the enemy behind to teach us how to war. We expect that the enemy will keep trying to deter us, but God is with us. Keep us in your prayers.

Uncle J fell down yesterday. He's still battling his sinus infection, blacked out and fell while he was walking. Even Ps. E was worried for him, but Uncle J keeps brushing everyone off. Keep praying for his healing okay?

Yesterday afternoon we checked out a a farm (specifics of which I am censoring) where they are looking to invest into. That would provide the pastors in this area with a livelihood and also act as a front for leadership training. Most pastors here are jobless. This particular area of Laos is key as it has over 200,000 people living within it. They plan to purchase 100,000 seedlings with 40,000baht seed money. With the expected profit of 1mil baht per year, they will fund training, mission trips (sending Lao missionaries to Isaan, Thailand) and provide for the leaders.

Day 2 in Laos

2009-11-30T03:22:00.007+08:00

Travelled on the back of a truck to the border where we took a bus across to Laos. Arriving at the Laos immigration checkpoint, we were greeted warmly by Ps. E and O. The key leaders of the LFF, the Laos underground church. (Even initials have been changed for protection as it is still highly dangerous there at the moment.)

Uncle J said that where we were going would be pretty nearby. After just nearly ten hours, we reached an underground church where we were to spend the night. Along the way, we picked up barking deer and hornbill for dinner. We passed on the squirrel and civet cat. Thank God.

Boys are roughing it out in a van and us girls travel in a suv thing they specially got for us. They have so little yet they are unbelievably generous and loving.

Unknown to us, the boys (together with Ps E and Uncle J) had stopped along the way to pray for a demon-possessed lady.

When we got there we were blown away. Hundreds of people gathered at a field for service. Mind you, this is in the dead of winter. Except for the "stage", everywhere else was pitch black. Children and youths ran and shone torches at our faces to see what we looked like.

Their service lasted thru the night with prayer, worship and sharing. We went to bed shortly after midnight, after our dinner of barking deer and hornbill. Which, by the way, tastes like duck, just with super tough skin that metal forks were unable to pierce through. Even in the freezing cold when we woke at 5.30am, there were still members of the audience sitting around small fires keeping warm and listening to the pastors. A kind lady took us to a water pump beside her house a short walk away where we could wash our faces and brush our teeth. The toilet was the great wilderness. Chicken, pigs, goats ran all around. It was like we had travelled back in time.

It reminded me how we take so many things for granted. How we have service in a nice church then complain about the aircon or chairs, or compare church buildings, etc, when over here, they meet in an open field in the freezing wind. Decor is a simple banner with the name of the church hung as a backdrop and a few balloons held up on clothing lines. Back home, we fuss over poster designs, christmas trees, confetti and baubles.

Joke of the day was one of the girls pointing at a huge boar running around, then asking, "Is it raw?". I don't think anyone answered.

This morning we were given the chance to sing for them. Then devotion was led by G and we were reminded of how we should abide by God in every aspect of our lives, not just while we were here. that we should listen to the Holy Spirit and build up our relationship with our personal Jesus.

Day 1 in Laos

2009-03-27T16:24:00.009+08:00

Really sorry, I know they are way overdue and I haven't really blogged coherently in quite a while.

NOTE: These are excerpts from my daily email updates to home while I was away on a nine-day mission trip last year to Laos and Ubon(Thailand). Many a time we go away on mission trips thinking that we are going to bless the less fortunate, but return as the ones who have been blessed.

We're sitting at the back of a truck now, en route to the border Thailand shares with Vietnam, with the warm sunshine on our backs and the chilly wind blowing enthusiastically past us. Its not the most luxurious ride, nor the most comfortable, but with the sense of team spirit and God's presence with us, its an extraordinary blessing to be here.

I learnt today that we aren't just here to encourage and minister to others, but also to receive. The ones who were are reaching out too will also be used by Him to minister to us. It is a time of spiritual growth for us individually, and also as a team.

Yet the devil lurks on the outskirts waiting to trip us.

Without a doubt, this will be a life-changing experience for each and everyone of us. I personally don't know what to expect in Laos. We're been warned that there will most likely be no toilets, no electricity. It is the most un-me type trip ever and yet I find myself excited in a positive way. (Though I will probably be squemish about doing no. 2 behind a bush).

Isaiah 40:29-31 has really stuck with me for this trip and everytime I feel like its starting to become overwhelming I hold onto that piece of His Word and recite it in my head.

In the dark

2009-03-17T04:55:00.003+08:00

Jesus said, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight" (Matt 10:27 NIV).

It's in your worst moments that God gives you some of your best insights.
People will listen to you because you've 'earned the right to speak'. So sit tight and let God teach you things which can only be learned in the dark.

God, speak to me, now that I am in the dark.

God help me

2009-03-17T04:48:00.002+08:00

In an old Peanuts cartoon, Charles Schulz shows Charlie Brown at the beach building a magnificent sandcastle. It's a work of art. As he stands back to admire it, suddenly it's destroyed by a big wave. In the last frame he says, "There must be a lesson here, but for the life of me I don't know what it is."

Jesus and my Titanic

2009-03-10T02:02:00.001+08:00

"In Mark 4:39 when Jesus "ordered the wind and waves to be quiet" the Bible says "everything was calm" (CEV). In the midst of the storm, ask Him to come and stand in the bow of your boat, and to speak peace to the things that are upsetting you. He'll do it!"

- extract from The Word for Today, Rhema Broadcasting Group

Faithfulness of the angry

2009-03-07T15:44:00.007+08:00

This is a particularly hard week.

Continued faithfulness and obedience while I was seething with a cold silent anger, was so difficult, my insides churned. I tried to see His hand in it, tried to bring glory to Him through what I did, how I reacted, the words I said. I tried my darnest and it was still a poor attempt.

It like being in my own head, but not understanding how all the gears worked. My anger was ferocious, white hot, and vulgar; built up in layers of debt, expectations, bitterness and discontentment.

Be still my heart. Be still and know that He is God.

Honesty

2009-01-13T03:35:00.010+08:00

I was just reading someone's blog and "honesty" popped up in my head.

Have I been honest with myself?
Have I been honest with the people in my life?
Have I been honest with God?

No. Not enough.

Woah!

2008-11-24T22:54:00.004+08:00

Oh dear. It really has been a long time since I've updated this blog. I really feel bad about it but at the same time, just really needed to take a break from everything and wipe the (mental) slate clean again with mindless television.

My life right now in point form and hopefully in chronological order:

1. Nathan and I are back together and in it for the long haul. We are really working hard with God, and our spiritual leaders, to be better people, to break the strongholds in our lives like anger, impatience. We communicate better and take the time to try to understand the other is coming from. As we make closer to God as individuals, we will get closer to each other as well.

2. I've left my job at the agency and have spent the last month with friends, family, myself, serving in church... and not as much as I should have with God. It has been awesome not having a work schedule to live by. Truly a period of rest that I thank God for.

3. Made the decision to go on a mission trip to Thailand and Laos. We leave on the 14th of December and come back Christmas eve. I am totally psyched for this trip! My heart has always been for Thailand. I have often wondered why, and I think God is showing me some of the reasons. In a country like Singapore, it is so early to be comfortable and live life without God. We have so many luxuries that we take for granted. I really look forward to seeing a small glimpse of how BIG God is, how far His love reaches. It is truly a blessing to be used by God. My Lord breathes stars, yet gives us the opportunity to be part of His work.

4. Our prayers have been confirmed! G and I will be starting a digital agency together. It will be a ministry and we pray that it will bring glory to God. Since we've decided to take that first step, day by day, God shown us His hand in everything and God is good. More details to come once everything is official. But do keep us in your prayers! Prayer is powerful.

I feel so so small. Yet, God, who is infinite, shows me so much love and care. He knows exactly how many hairs there are on my head. He bothers about small small tiny me!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13 (NIV)

Hand in hand

2008-10-16T11:05:00.001+08:00

I caught a glimpse of a father holding the hand of his little girl as they walked down the street this morning. The first thought that came to mind was: my father never did that. And then I thought, yet I've held the hands of so many men, only to be heartbroken.

But I've found the hand that will never let me down. His hands will always be there to catch me when I fall, to hold me in a dance, to walk with me every step of the way.

We hate homework!

2008-09-25T16:16:00.006+08:00

Often when we are going through difficulties in life, it is much like how we felt when we were young children back in school, when our parents would nag us about our results, give us more assessment exercises to do everyday and send us to extra tuition classes. Back then, because we did not understand the purposes behind it, we whinged about how shitty our parents were and how they enjoyed making our lives difficult. About why, on a sunny afternoon, we had to stay indoors working on mathematics instead of splashing about in the pool.

Then most of us grew up, and realised that while we thought it was all crap back then, our parents felt duty-bound to impart those lessons to us. They didn't enjoy it I'm sure. For the hours I spent studying, my mother definitely did not relax with a cold beer at the poolside. Rather, mom spent her days off work sitting beside us, helping us with our problem sums and spelling tests.

Our parents were molding us, educating us so that we would grow to become who we are today. Now we are able to see the bigger picture, we appreciate it.

We can very much learn from that and not complain every time we find ourselves in a valley. Rather, rejoice in the suffering, because in that season, we are being prepared, molded like silver in the Refiner's fire. While it hurts us, God feels the hurt too.

Romans 5:3-4 says "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character, hope."

Random thought: God is truly good to us. Amazingly patient! Even when times are bad and we whinge and whine non-stop He still doesn't strike us dead after our incessant complaints.

Concrete Angel

2008-09-19T16:00:00.000+08:00

Concrete Angel - Martina McBride

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
Its hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel
- Martina McBride

Oh God, this hit too close to home.

The Via Dolorosa

2008-09-12T16:31:00.002+08:00

An extremely talented lad, D.S, wrote this for the Easter Service earlier this year. When the pastor read it out, it completely floored me.

The Via Dolorosa

The way of suffering; The Via Dolorosa
On which His feet did tread
And marked the place these wayward sinners
Would choose to have Him dead
Could we bear to have it trampled and overrun,
Abandoned holy ground?
But through the rocky pilgrim road
Is life eternal found.

Hear their jeer, their mockery
The contentious screams of distaste
They would rather live with Barabbas
Than let the punishment go to waste
My Lord, You would say nothing at all
When they picked Your fate to die
You refused hasty retaliation
Even while they shouted, “crucify!”

Uncivil and brusque, they beat Him
Stripped from His garments; with no more pride
A thorny headpiece that’s fit for a king
But He had nothing to hide
They flogged him, beat him, struck him down,
Even to spitting they would resort
“Hail, king of the Jews,”
they said
Yet He presented no retort

Did You count the steps on that road?
On that rocky trail uphill
While their taunts and words came like arrows
What was it that kept you still?
They who threw their insults at you
With faces soaked in hate
As compared to the cross on your back
Which held the greater weight?

For the hurt lay not in the cross itself
But rather the journey there
The reaching yet never arriving
Never knowing when or where
He soon approached Golgotha
Which they called the “Skull Place”
Jesus was still but fully man
The look of death on his face

So they had You strewn over the cross
And before placing it high above
Drove nine inches of rusty iron
Through the hands and feet of Love
You cried out, “It was not my choice”
“For this course to undertake”
“The spirit is willing, but my body is weak”
“But God, why did you forsake?”

Wherefore His grace and mercy flowed?
Could I ever comprehend?
From such as the heavens above,
His son Jesus, to us He did send
An unparalleled being, the holy of holies
An extraordinary entity
The lord of the universe here on earth
Nailed now to a tree

Had You not held back, had You not stayed
These insolent beings you could smite
But your spirit adamant, with mind resolved,
And your heart was so contrite
You spoke, “Forgive them father
They know not what they do”
All but one soldier failed to realize,
Surely the Son of God was You

The way of suffering; The Via Dolorosa
On which His feet did tread
And marked the place these wayward sinners
Would choose to have Him dead
Could we bear to have it trampled and overrun,
Abandoned holy ground?
But through Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God
Is life eternal found.

Lifehouse - Everything skit

2008-09-12T14:58:00.003+08:00

We tried doing this earlier a few months ago in church and while it was good, it seemed like something was just missing.

Every time I watch this, tears come to my eyes.

Lord, You're all I want, You're all I need. You're everything!

V

2008-09-12T11:39:00.005+08:00

Hey V,

God will not put you through that of which you cannot bear,
and for every season, there's a reason.

and when you need a listening ear, we'll be here.

xoxo.

Cardboard Testimonies

2008-09-11T15:44:00.002+08:00

I've watched this several times and every single time, I have tears in my eyes.

I need to stop...

2008-09-11T10:41:00.001+08:00

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Jesus Take the Wheel

2008-09-10T15:44:00.005+08:00

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me
Ooh ooh wah ah ooh ooh ooh
- Carrie Underwood

I love this song!

Paradise

2008-09-08T20:37:00.003+08:00

This morning, I woke up with one word clinging to the seat of my lips. Paradise.

Instantaneously, I thought about Jesus Christ. I think its so amazing how my mind now automatically associates "Paradise" and "Jesus Christ", just like in those word association games. God changed the way it works! In the past I think I would have gone "Paradise? Phuket!"

Then I thought to myself, how cool it would be to be in paradise with Jesus. How easy it would be to just give up everything here to be with Him, how much that would rock. I thought about the most beautiful beaches on earth, I thought about the most wonderous animals, captivating sights and sounds, delicious smells and tastes that we have on earth and thought "nah, its nothing in comparison to what is waiting for me in Heaven."

And I can't wait to get to heaven! To be with Him.

But then I realised that when I met with God in paradise, I wanted to be able to say that I had lived my life well and fulfilled His purpose for me. Until then, I'll be here.

Father, please continue to reveal to me the purpose that you have intended for me. My Lord please fill me with wisdom and discernment to know what it is, please fill me with the strength and courage to obey, whatever it may be, and I pray that you continue to guide my hand in all that I do.

Father, I can't wait to see you at the end of this road. Papa, I will try to make you proud. I love you Lord.

Like a hammer on the head

2008-09-08T12:08:00.000+08:00

I am the sort of girl that has her life planned out in five-year blocks.

Obviously, plans have been tweaked to accommodate life's hiccups along the way, but I've pretty much scored all the targeted goals since I first sat down a decade ago and decided what I wanted to do with my life a decade ago.

It only just hit me that for the first time, ever, I have no plans for my life after October.

But the Lord does, and that's all that matters.

Psalm 116

2008-08-29T10:28:00.000+08:00

This has really been speaking to me and I leaned on the strength of this Word earlier this week. Reading it over and over reminded me that God's with me. No matter how tough things get, He's walking alongside me.

Psalm 116 (New International Version)

1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave [a] came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I believed; therefore [b] I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

11 And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant [c] ;
you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.

18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,

19 in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD. [d]

What's choking you?

2008-08-29T10:04:00.000+08:00

This is a direct copy and paste from The Word for Today email service by Rhema Broadcasting Group in association with The Vine - www.thevine.co.nz™. Felt that it really spoke to me and I would really like to share it with you.

19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.
- Mark 4:19 NIV

In the parable of the sower Jesus said, "Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the Word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the Word, making it unfruitful" (Mark 4:18-19 NIV). Notice, the problem is not the sower or the seed, it's the soil. Jesus said they "hear the word", so we're talking about churchgoers with a pre-existing mindset that chokes every Scripture they hear, read, or try to apply. Jesus describes these thorns as: "The worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things" (Mark 4:19).

Do you remember the time when you thought the house you now live in, the career you now enjoy, and the investments you now have, would make all your worries go away? But no, the more you have, the more you have to lose, to protect, to maintain, and to worry about. That's "the deceitfulness of wealth". If your significance as a person or your sense of security is tied to anything other than your relationship with God, worry will choke the life right out of you. True happiness lies in trusting God for what you need, knowing if it's right He'll provide it, and if not He'll give you something better.

Chuck Swindoll writes, "We live among thorns because we've a quiet, respectable, secret love for them. I know. I've got the ugly scars to prove it. Each one a mute reminder of years trapped in the thicket; periodically I still have to yank a few." How about you - do you have some thorns you need to pull?

SoulFood Bible Readings: Lam 3:40 - 5:22, Luke 19:1-10, Ps 103:1-12, Pr 19:12-16

Please tell your friends about The Word For Today e-mail service. If you've been encouraged by The Word for Today, then your friends will be too. Click here.

Growing in faith

2008-08-27T13:22:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh, it has been quite a while hasn’t it?

I have resigned from my job. With two months to go before my final day with the agency, and no job lined up, I’m really trusting in God to open the doors for me for whatever He intends for the next season to bring.

I guess I sit in anticipation and excitement, but also in faith, because I know that this is not what He intends for me to do right and with my resignation, I am obeying.

We’ve been praying, both G and myself, for a confirmation on the digital agency and also that if it is of Him, that the Lord may throw the doors wide open for us. My prayer has also been that He send us investors, good people to support us, as well as new business for that agency. While its only been two weeks since we’ve started praying about it, we’ve already been approached by an investor, along with some other business opportunities. I wonder if it is God’s way of confirming that for us. We’ll also definitely need wise counsel from our leaders/mentors. In the quick chat that I’ve managed to have with my mentor, A, she seems to think that it’s a great idea. I’ll be speaking to her in detail tonight over dinner.

I guess a small part of me worries. I’ve never left a job without having signed on the dotted line with another company. I guess it’s the security that I’m leaving behind. Job security and knowing that I’ll be getting a nice salary at the end of every month and not having to worry about expenses and such. But I give that burden and anxiety up to God. There’s safety and security in His arms and He’s the only one that will never fail us.

When Jesus told Peter, "Why do you doubt?" He was saying, "Don't allow this storm to overwhelm you. I'm right here with you. Your problem is under My feet, therefore it's under your feet too. Just keep your eyes on Me, keep walking by faith and stick to the plan!"

I’m sticking to the plan!

Alone but not

2008-08-11T20:08:00.000+08:00

Finally catching a long break from work. With a week left before I have to be back in the office, I tried to get out of the country for a short trip alone. Unable to get either airplane tickets or accommodation to the places I wanted to go to, and that were safe enough for me to travel alone to, I gave up and simply checked myself into a resort on Sentosa island. For the first time, I actually wanted to travel alone. To get away from the hustle and bustle of the city and have quiet time. I figured that away from all those distractions and on my own, I'll have to lean on God for company. Spending more time with God, talking to God and reading His Word, would only bring us closer. James 4:8 (NIV) 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. I haven't spent every minute alone, many friends have been over to hang out. Time spent with them has also been a blessing. To simply chill out, talk and laugh with the fellas from church is somewhat of a luxury simply due to a lack of time in "real life". I thank God for the chance to build on bonds with family. Those brothers and sisters are indeed family. On the first day, friends had left, I sat in bed to pray and I heard myself praying the most honest, sincere prayer that I've ever said to God.

This morning I got up and dragged myself to the terrace for breakfast just five minutes before it closed. As I sat down to eat, I cracked open a new book to read - The Call by Os Guinness. Its about finding and fulfilling the central purpose of your life. I discovered why I've been so unhappy about my job and that unhappiness has been slowing eating into other bits of my life as well. This new job places me, a square peg, into a round hole. Not good. I will have to spend more time praying for God to direct that area of my life. I've also yet to find out what the central purpose of my life is. If this job was it, I would have a sense of fulfillment and purpose. As Os Guinness put it, "As modern people we are all on a search for significance. We desire to make a difference. We long to leave a legacy. We yearn, as Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, "to leave the world a bit better." Our passion is to know that we are fulfilling the purpose for which we are here on earth."

Why did God put me here? Finding and fulfilling the purpose of our lives comes up in myriad wards and in all the seasons of our lives.

For many years, I've been ambitious in my career. At the moment I am the youngest senior account manager, wait, youngest suit in the agency. I've put in a ridiculous amount of time at work to get to where I am today and I still have far to go. I've always enjoyed what I do very much and this industry still remains fascinating to me. Yet, there's recently been a restlessness in me that I haven't been able to fully explain. Its not simply just due to the lack of job satisfaction or the silly political stuff at work. I feel restless within the industry itself! I wonder if there is a point in what I do. There's so much that is missing. Only God needs nothing outside Himself, because He Himself is the highest and the only lasting good. So everything that we desire falls short and are as finite and incomplete as we ourselves are. And if we make these objects our ultimate desire, boy are we going to be disappointed. I've been lifting my career up to God and committing my life to Him to use as He will. I believe that He's planted that seed of restlessness and despair in my heart so that I would see beyond a career in advertising. I've always said that this is what I would like to do for the rest of my life. Now, I'm prepared to give it up. How awesome is God!

You won't believe this. As I was typing this entry, a brother of mine from church, lets call him.... G. So G and I have been exchanging text messages about mostly nothing. I was just saying something about how great would it be if I got a job that pays as much as my current package, and all I do is bum around on the beach all day. (I am great as a beach bum.) G texts me back in the following exact words: Start your own ad agency. Since you know e business. We start small. I be your production branch. If can make it, money can channel to missions and all. Tat will be living e dream.

I haven't felt this kind of excited about anything in a long time. Not even when I started a boutique agency years ago. My goodness! Even G is terribly excited now. We will both be committing this to prayer and waiting to see if He leads us that way. If you read this and have some free time on your hands, please do pray for us both. Living for a cause, serving while working, that will be living the dream indeed.

Father, thank You for Your grace, for loving and blessing even a sinner like me. My life is Yours to do as You will. Guide us and let us know if this is of Your leading. Speak in to us in such an obvious and undeniable way so that even though G and I are so blur sometimes, we will know that it is of You. O Lord, if this is Your will, open the doors for us, in terms of time, relationships and financing so that we will not be in need or want for anything. Thank You Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The beginning of the end of it all

2008-08-10T02:48:00.000+08:00

Warning: Long post ahead.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.

Recently I've been praying for God to break my heart. Why? I do not know. But here's what my past 2 weeks have been like:

I've realised that I am not very happy with the new job. That while I love what I do (advertising - digital) very much, this new agency has started making me hate what I do. And I've only been there for a month. I can't pinpoint it to one specific incident or one exact problem, but what I do know is that this is not the right place for me.

In my prayers, I've been constantly committing my life, of which my career plays a large part, to Him. I've taken to praying that He takes my life, my career, me and do what He will with it all. As much as it scares me, this is not what He intends for me. What exactly God intends for me to do, I do not know, but what I will do is resign first thing after I return to the office on the 18th. I have never ever left a job without another job lined up. My goodness. As much of a strong front I have put on about this to friends and family, I'm worried, yes I am, but I trust Him to open the doors for me. He holds me in the palm of His hand and I know that He will not let me fall.

With that decision made, my heart was calmer but still rather uneasy and unhappy as ironically, my period of notice will be twice as long as my duration of service so far. Heh.

Nathan and I have broken up. The weekend that followed, I was an absolute wreck. I cried for probably 30 hours straight. I cried in my sleep, the moment I woke, while I was on the loo, while I was watching the telly. Everywhere. Yet I wasn't just crying over the end of yet another relationship. I felt so lost, so small. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and unbeliveable helplessness. I had never felt so... broken in my life. For the first time ever, I couldn't even see a tomorrow.

So I prayed. I prayed for myself, for Nathan, for my father, for my sisters, for just so so many people. I asked for forgiveness, guidance, wisdom and strength, I prayed that He would take away the pain and hurt, that He would heal me. I wanted simply to be whole again. I asked for protection, for peace in my heart and mind. There had been so many things that I had yet to forgive myself for.

I prayed so so so much, holed up in the dark alone, not eating or seeing. Then God led me to realise that He was answering my prayers. The Lord was breaking my heart. This breakup was merely the straw that broke this camel's back.

Then came Sunday. I awoke with a peace in my heart, a calm that I myself could not believe I was capable of feeling. Brick by brick, God was putting me back together. Building me back whole again.

As a young Christian, I had prayed for unshakeable, child-like faith. During those two dark nights, God grew my faith. He watered my tree so that its roots would dig deeper into the soil. God knew exactly what was needed to demolish my world, to kill off what illusions I had of independence, what plans I had for me, myself and I. He was, is, the only one who could heal my heart and make it clean. Those two days, I learnt about God-dependence, not self reliance.

Father, I am Your faithful servant. Use me as You will.

Jesus loves the little children

2008-07-29T13:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I look back on the things I've done in my past and I'm filled with a sense of repulsion and disgust. If I feel that way about myself, how else can others feel?

Yet Jesus loves me anyway.

This season is for forgiveness. And I've realised that sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world

Black and yellow, red and white

They're all precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world

Forgiveness

2008-07-28T19:21:00.000+08:00

One of the things I've been working on this season is forgiveness.

Some people to forgive for some things. But most importantly though, I’ve realised that while I appear alright, I have yet to forgive myself for many many things. But I have God’s grace and He will make me whole again.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matt 6:14-15

This Quarter

2008-06-30T11:35:00.000+08:00

This past quarter has been one of the most shocking quarters I've lived through so far. I apologise for not having written much these two months. Part of it has been the circumstances and me taking the time to deal with everything in my head and in real life. Other part has been largely just laziness and just not wanting to think/write.

The two major events this quarter have been:
1. Jordan going home to be with the Lord
2. the closure of the advertising agency that I'm working in

I've blogged about the first item quite significantly so I'll skip straight to 2.

I work in the only independent global advertising agency left in the world. And we are closing the Singapore office. When the CEO flew in the break the news on the 4th of June, I was stunned but surprisingly not worried. "I trust that God will take care of me," was what I said to Nathan. The next day, the press release went out to the media and I was flooded with calls and text messages from concerned friends and church-mates. I was so touched and pleasantly surprised that some people that I barely knew even went through some effort to get a hold of my cell number to let me know that they were praying for me. God knew that I needed support and placed some very awesome people around me to strengthen and guide me.

I would like to say that I wasn't worried at all, but that would be lying. I knew instinctively that I had nothing to worry about because a Shepperd always cares for His flock, but I definitely still had a grain of doubt as to what that job would be. But God is faithful and He took brilliant care of me. Why did I I even doubt it?!

Not even three weeks after the news had broken, I found myself signing on letter of offer from a global digital agency under the massive Omnicom umbrella. Not only is it a position of equal standing to the one I hold now, it pays more and I get to work with some brilliant colleagues on some amazing accounts.

Like, wow.

Jehovah Jirah, my provider
His grace is sufficient for me, for me
My God will supply all my needs
According to His richness in glory
He will give His angels charge over me
Jehovah, Jirah cares for me, for me, for me.

A Father's Love

2008-06-26T11:43:00.000+08:00

I caught the thinkfamily.sg commercial on tv last night. It was about a prepubescent girl talking about the greatest gift her father gave her - love. Then I thought about my father, of pain, of physical and emotional abuse and I thought, "What love?"

Then I realised that biological father aside, I have the greatest Father in the world. The most selfless, compassionate, generous, merciful Father that any girl could ever ask for. And He is Love.

I love you too Father.

Working and Walking

2008-05-30T14:03:00.000+08:00

I work in advertising. Cussing, screaming, anger over deadlines, yelling, drinking, partying, alcoholic stupidity, overindulgence, pride and more. All accepted as common industry practice. What would never be allowed to happen in a normal office, such as telling your boss to go screw himself, takes place on weekly basis in the office where I work. Sometimes I think its like a cesspool of sin.

Daily, I struggle with this. I try my darnest not to swear, I try not to get angry when others make incredibly stupid mistakes, I try not to slap creatives who chose the 11th hour to have a diva fit. This is not exactly the perfect environment to be in for a Christ-follower - full of stumbling blocks and temptation, like little mousetraps just waiting for you to let down your guard. I asked God a while ago, "Why place me, such a young Christian, here?"

Two days ago, while talking to Him as I got ready for work, He helped me look at things from the other side of the coin.

Volcanoes are extremely destructive and living in the vicinity of an active one is usually considered risky and dangerous. Yet many people do. Why? When a volcano erupts, along with lava, it also throws out a lot of ash. At short notice, the ash can be really harmful to the environment, but in the long term, this ash layer contains many useful minerals, and in time, will be forms very fertile soil.

How wonderful would it be to be able to plant His seeds here! In fertile soil. I'm so happy that He's allowed me to be a part of this, to do His work through me... and at the same time flattered/stunned that He would trust me with such a major deal.

God is truly truly mind-blowing. Hallelujah. Thank you for having faith in me Father.

Love from across oceans

2008-05-23T16:27:00.000+08:00

Mark 12:31 says, "The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' ..." and Exodus 20:13 says, "You shall not murder."

I am definitely not the most patient person in the world. In fact, quite a lot of people in our little dot on the map I find downright annoying. Recently, there was season in my life where God kept teaching me about patience and love for everyone I meet. Seriously everyone.

I've come to realise that:

I need extra grace to love some people, but with God, all things are possible.
some are easier to love from a distance. Still loving, and no murdering.

Comparatively, our job is so so simple!

Jesus was unbelievable. After He spent all that time getting insulted, whipped, nailed to a cross and killed by people, He still loves His children so so much and even while He was hanging from the cross, He was patient and forgiving. Every day, people insult God, blame Him for difficult times, doubt His existence and do so so much evil, yet He is patient and kind and His love is never ending.

...and yet we hate pretentious people, neighbours who slam their front door too hard or sisters that hog the bathroom.

Love. From a distance if necessary, but love one and all.

30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.31The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:30-31

A Father's Love Letter

2008-05-21T16:41:00.000+08:00

This was read out during our mothers' day service. I know its rather tardy of me to be posting this only now, but I very much wanted to have this up before I posted anything else.

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love,
Your Dad.

He ain't heavy

2008-05-08T16:51:00.000+08:00

The night before the cremation, I dreamt that Jordan, V and I were sitting at the back of a taxi. It was the morning of the cremation and sunlight was streaming through the windows as trees flew by. He was smiling and happy, looking oh so Jordan. He asked if anyone needed a ride to get to his wake. He wondered if his coffin was gonna be too heavy and wanted to know if his brothers needed help with it. At the back of that taxi-cab, we were happy, we were smiling and we were free. And when I woke I knew he was alright. Everything was alright.

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother...

Thank you Lord.

2008-05-07T17:17:00.000+08:00

10 The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
Psalm 90:10

This morning, we attended the final service for Jordan. We kissed flowers and left them on his coffin, cried as the final prayer was said to commit his body to the Lord for cremation.

It was heart wrenching to see his family weeping and shouting his name. But in the midst of all that sorrow, was Jordan's mother who, as the coffin was wheeled towards the flames, cried out praises to the Lord, thanking Him for twenty-five years with Jordan. She shouted her thanks, lifted her hands in worship and wept bittersweet tears knowing that her son was with our Father. Jordan's dad did likewise with tears streaming down his face, echoing his wife in worship and thanksgiving. That was unshakable faith and God-given strength that I witnessed today. It was undeniable that God was present in the viewing hall this morning. Father just as you said you would.

11 The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

So like as Exodus 15:2 goes...
2 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

...Father I praise you. I thank you Lord for blessing us with the time we had with Jordan. I worship you with all my heart. You are an awesome, awesome God!

I come before you today
And there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank you lord
Thank you lord
For all you've given to me
For all the blessings that I cannot see
Thank you lord
Thank you lord

With a grateful heart
With a song of praise
With an outstretched arm
I will bless your name
Thank you lord
I just wanna thank you lord
Thank you lord
I just wanna thank you lord
Thank you lord

For all you've done in my life
You took my darkness and gave me your light
Thank you lord
Thank you lord
You took my sin and my shame
You took my sickness and healed all my pain
Thank you lord
Thank you lord

Jordan Tay

2008-05-06T17:20:00.000+08:00

Jordan was one the smartest guy friends I had. He had finally settled into a stable job that he was proud of, that he worked very hard at. He had just started seeing someone. Jordan was one of the most sensible bikers I knew. Recently he became the youngest Ducati owner in Singapore.

The last intense conversation we had was over lime sodas at the Handlebar. It was his first time to Handlebar and he absolutely loved the place. We talked about death and Jordan wanted Heaven to be like the Handlebar.

At about 3am Sunday morning, Jordan was riding home from a barbecue at a friend's place, going down a straight, smooth road, the front of his bike started wobbling severely from side to side. Friends riding behind him saw the bike shake violently, sparks flying, then Jordan.

Jordan Tay was called home to be with the Lord on 4 May 08. The wake is held at 38 Sin Min Drive #01-545. Cortege leaves on Wednesday 7 May for Madai Crematorium for cremation at 11.30am. Please pray for his family and friends. Pray for strength, peace and acceptance. But praise the Lord also, for Jordan is home now.

He left with his family and his four best friends by his side, last thing he was doing was riding on his new baby. If anything, that was the way that he would have wanted to go. He left such a deep impression on everyone who had ever known him. He made people think harder, smile brighter and live stronger. Sometimes, it seems that God takes all the good ones first.

Even though I cry over his passing, I'm grateful that he didn't suffer long and comforted that he is home with the Lord. Thank you God.

I know that when my days are over here, we'll see each other again. Bro I love you. See you when I see you.

Some November Days

2008-04-28T16:40:00.000+08:00

Late November last year, my mother checked into hospital for major surgery, to remove a tumor that was covering 75% of her rectum. We had no idea whether the tumor was benign or malignant, but as it was so large, her doctor was not very optimistic about it.

I sat on my bed and prayed with my heart thumping in my chest. I was terrified, and I felt so helpless. So I took it out of my hands and placed it into Yours. I prayed and prayed and read Your Word. Before anxiety came, You gave me John 11:4.

When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it."

and my heart was at rest.

So they removed the tumor without any complications and as I was waiting by her bedside for her to come to, her oncologist came to speak to me. The biopsy was positive for colorectal cancer. My knees shook but good friends from church were there to hold me up. I trusted in God to see this through and I knew He would. The keyhole surgery was considered to be fairly major and was performed on a Wednesday morning. By Friday morning, my mum was walking and mid-day Saturday, she was discharged. The nurses were surprised she had healed so fast. We just had to wait for another week for further test results, before they would be able to tell us what stage cancer it was.

So many people were praying for my mother. The awesome power of prayer.

The week after, I was back at work and I got a text from my mother: "The doc called w good news. No traces of cancer cells in the lymph nodes n only stage II so no chemo needed :)"

2 months after, I had to accompany my mother to hospital for a blood test to identify the cancer count remaining in her body. The night before, just like every other night, I prayed for healing for her before bed. After my prayer, He said, "open your bible."
So I reached for my bible.
He said, "Read John 5:4"
I wondered, "John or 1 John?" (I always have to complicate things.)
There was no reply. so I thought, okay okay..
and I flipped to that chapter.

John 5:4
For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and *stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.

I thought, okay that sounds like His healing.. but what water? What was I supposed to do with that?

And then I saw that asterix, that little star before the word stirred, and the Spirit poked me. There was the mental "oooh" moment.

and I read:
The last phase of v 3 and all of v 4 are omitted in some Greek manuscripts of John. The statements may reflect a popular tradition associated with the pool that the bubbling of the waters (v7), which some scholars feel was caused by an intermittent spring, was supernaturally caused by an angel. Irrespective of the source of the waters being stirred, the testimony of God's healing grace was nonetheless present.

and then I went, "Woah."

24 January, mum got her test results back from the doctor. She was cancer free.

Thanks be to God. My God is an awesome God.

Silver and the Refiner's Fire

2008-04-28T16:35:00.000+08:00

received via email forwarding from a colleague.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the! flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver ."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered,"Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

Que Sera, Sera

2008-04-28T12:27:00.000+08:00

On a drive back from a really good dinner last night, I was telling Nathan about this song that my mother used to sing to me when I was a wee toddler. Brings back so many memories.

It was a 1950s hit song by Doris Day.

Have a listen.

the Lord sends emails

2008-04-25T10:34:00.000+08:00

Oh dear. Last I posted was Monday and its already Friday. Time really flew by this week. In the midst of campaign launch flurry, I think God has slipped my mind quite a number of times this week. Thankfully, my God is a patient God. If I had to deal with myself, I'll probably have sent bolts of lightning down on myself. Anyway, last night my sleep was full of mini-dreams, and they were all about money. I had a conversation about salary and expenditure with a colleague, talked to a friend from church about earning more vs earning less, trying to find lost money, and lot lot of other hazy dreams, but all revolved around the same money theme. Then the moment I woke up, flicked my blackberry on and here's the first thing I read this morning: The Word for Today Financial Amnesia Remember...the Lord...gives you power to become rich. - Deuteronomy 8:18 TLB

Can God trust you with money? Do you have the courage to thank Him publicly for what He's given you? Ever noticed how some of us who praised Him when we had very little, suddenly become 'image conscious' when we start to prosper? We call on God when we're in trouble, but when we get back on our feet we stop counting our blessings and start counting our money. What's happened? We've become so self-sufficient that we're reluctant to mention the name of Jesus when we talk about our blessings! Israel's financial amnesia was nothing new; it happens once you start believing "it was [my] own power and might that made [me] wealthy" (Dt 8:17 TLB).

Never get so dazzled by success that you forget the source of everything you have, or become so caught up in your blessings that you fail to acknowledge the One who blessed you. God told the Israelites, "When you have become...prosperous...built fine homes...and your silver and gold have multiplied...don't become proud and forget the Lord...who brought you out of...slavery" (Dt 8:11-14 TLB). God doesn't condemn success, He condemns arrogance! When you've had very little and suddenly enter the 'Promised Land,' it's easy to forget where you came from. A few gourmet meals, a designer suit and a house in 'the right neighbourhood' can make you forget about yesterday's hand-me-downs! God constantly had to remind His people not to overlook His goodness to them. And the same applies to us. "Remember...the Lord...gives you power to become rich, and...just as [He]...caused other nations in the past to perish...That will be your fate...if you don't obey...God" (Dt 8:18-20 TLB).

Bottom line - you don't have anything God didn't give you!

SoulFood Bible Readings: 1 Co 14-16, Mk 8:14-26, Ps 94:1-11, Pr 10:24-26

Btw, these daily emails are sent to me by The Word For Today e-mail service. If you've been encouraged by The Word for Today, then your friends will be too.Click here to subscribe.

So how does this tie back to real life? I've been praying for financial blessing, for a particular salary increment that I will get a reply from senior management on next week. And I know, with greater financial rewards, I should be a better steward with my money, no, God's money.

Extraordinarily, God being all-knowing, knows that I spend a good 40% of my day online, so God sends emails too.

Awesomeness!

Who are the people?

2008-04-22T13:17:00.000+08:00

Objective: To give the lifegroup an understanding of the types of people that Jesus reached

Read Luke 5

Areas to cover:

Examples of people that Jesus touched.

What do we think we can learn from each of these examples?
What is God saying to you through these examples? What is God's will for you?

What kinds of people do you think Jesus reached out to?

Outsiders.
Who’s felt like an outsider before?
Imagine feeling that way all the time. There are people who are always on the edge of society, who never feel like they fit. Think of somebody that you would be surprised to see in church today, or in a nice restaurant. It could be somebody with a severe disfigurement, somebody experiencing extreme poverty, maybe a drunk. It could be somebody who’s dressed inappropriately or has a highly contagious disease, somebody that you would not only be surprised to see, but somebody that would make you very uncomfortable. (Can we all think of at least 3 people we know that fall in this category?)

If you took that and multiplied the shock factor, you would come close to understanding how surprising it is that Jesus chose to reach out to these people.

In Luke 5, we read about three shocking people - outsiders - that Jesus chose to love and to serve. Let’s look at them and try to understand why it was so surprising.

Luke 5:12-13 – Who does Jesus meet?
Leper
Jesus met, touched, and healed a leper.

Leprosy was a powerful and highly infectious disease. (The Greek word was used for various diseases affecting the skin – not necessary leprosy. There were a number of skin conditions - psoriasis, lupus, ringworm, as well as Hansen’s disease - that back then would have been called leprosy.)

Everybody knew that this man’s body was full of leprosy. He lived away from his family and everybody. If people approached him, he would have to cover his mouth and yell out a warning that he was unclean. His family would probably leave out food for him, but stay clear when he came to collect it. Nobody had touched him in years. This was the ultimate outsider, a social outcast.

The leper comes to Jesus. By all rights, Jesus should have kept his distance to remain clean and to stay safe. He could have healed this man from a hundred meters away. To touch him would have been to risk becoming contaminated himself.

The heart of the story is the shocking action that Jesus took in verse 13. “Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man.” Jesus touched a man who hadn’t been touched in years. As Jesus reached out and touched the man, you can bet that everybody in the crowd gasped. Jesus reached out to the ultimate social outcast and proved that there is no such thing as an untouchable person.

Who in your own circle might be considered an outsider?
E.g. Friend X who doesn't have the same hobbies as the rest of us

Paralytic
The second encounter Jesus has is with a paralyzed man. The common view back then - of both lepers and of paralytics - would be that the illness and disability was a sign of God’s displeasure. We live today in a society that views those with physical disabilities in a much healthier way than before, but back then, this man would have been somewhat of an outcast. He can’t even get to Jesus on his own. Jesus looks at this man and not only heals him, but forgives his sins as well. He gets more than he bargains for.

Leper/Paralytic: Who in your circle might be considered to have displeased God?
E.g. Friend with alternative lifestyle? Friends who have not forgiven themselves for something?

Tax Collector
Then there’s a third encounter to cap it off. We read in Luke 5:27-28: “After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. ‘Follow me,’ Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him.”

Back in the day, tax collectors were extortionists, shaking people down for as much money as they could manage, keeping some of it for themselves before they remitted the rest. They were collaborators with the enemy, the foreign occupying government that went against their religion. They were unclean, because they were always in contact with Gentiles. They were also very rich, which would make people resentful. They were rich because they had dirty money.

So imagine Jesus going to this guy and saying, “Follow me.” Then picture this guy throwing a party with all of his shady friends. “Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them” (Luke 5:29). There are a few things we need to notice here. Levi is throwing a party that is costing quite a bit of money, and he’s doing it with dirty money, proceeds of his tax collecting career. How would you feel about that? (Imagine if you saw a well-known pastor in your community partying with secret society members)

Second, he’s invited his tax collecting buddies. Of course, who else would he invite? They stuck together, because nobody else would have anything to do with them. You have a room full of shady characters. Third, Jesus eats with them. In that culture, eating with people implied acceptance of them. The Pharisees, some of the religious people of that day, wouldn’t even eat with the average person, never mind tax collectors. They were afraid of being contaminated. The food might be unclean, and it might not have been tithed appropriately. Jesus is invited to this party, and he goes.

So look at the people Jesus embraces, who see him as good news. He embraces outsiders. Not just any type of outsiders, either.

He touches the most untouchable type of person. He forgives and heals someone with a disability. He invites an extortionist to follow him. It was scandalous. He ate with the wrong people. He touched the wrong people. He reaches out and touches people on the very edge of society. Jesus is good news to outsiders, to the very people who don’t belong and don’t fit. Jesus even says that’s what he’s here for.

In Luke 5:31-32, Jesus said: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

2. What do we think we can learn from each of these examples?

Lets have a think about this. The average person out there isn’t so sure Jesus is good news for them. Think about those who are modern day lepers - those who are on the fringes of society, people who are untouchable. Think about them - who are they today?

The homeless, those with AIDS, alcoholics, banktrupt, gangsters, those on drugs?
Those who are employed in immoral careers?
Think of the drug pusher, the pimp.

Jesus is good news to these people. Jesus might even go to their house, hang around their friends.

3. So based on what you've read above, what is God saying to you through these examples? What is God's will for you?

like right now...

2008-04-18T10:26:00.000+08:00

... my boss is reading my bible!

Stubborn believer of evolution and all that... but at least he's read the first pages of Genesis.
Tiny seed.

Praise the Lord!

if I were God, we'll all be dead

2008-04-17T11:28:00.000+08:00

My ex-boss, Linda, has been extra weird of late. She has been asking a number of people about me but going further and probing about how often I get in touch with my ex-colleagues, what I've been saying to them, just general paranoid questions. And if she actually bothers to ring me up, text me or drop me instant messages, she has developed a rather annoying habit of twisting the conversations we've had into something else entirely. Prior to the day that I handed in my resignation letter mid-November last year, she was all nice and loving. After that letter was submitted, boy has she said some nasty things, and she's continued to do so. I guess I should be flattered that she still feels like I'm going to steal the team from under her, but it's been really annoying me. I thought about it for quite a while this morning, and then I had a talk with Nathan about her. I knew I shouldn't let her get to me, but somehow she managed to wheedle her way through the cracks and stuck her annoying self in my brain. Nathan reminded me once again that this was the devil's way of getting to me, that even more so should I pray for Linda, and give all this to God.

So I prayed. I gave Him all the anxiety, stress and worry, all the negative thoughts that I had about Linda and asked that He take it all away from me. I prayed about Linda, prayed for blessings on her, for the Holy Spirit to continue to guide her daily...

Months ago I realized that I simply did not need people like her in my life.. So while I continue to pray for her, it will be from a distance. I will also pray for grace to deal with the Lindas that pop up every now and then.

At the same time, it blows my mind that God hasn't blown us all up yet! His patience and love for us is infinite and immaculate.

1 Timothy 1:16

gracie was stupid

2008-04-16T10:56:00.000+08:00

I didn't blog yesterday partly because I completely forgot and partly cos I was still so angry that I figured it was better not to bring my angst online.

Quite a number of things happened yesterday. Terribly "Days of Our Lives".

Lost my phone on Monday evening, which mean I pretty much spent Tuesday morning running about with like a chicken with its head chopped off. Because of the way it happened (long story which I'm quite tired of repeating so I won't), I'm fairly certain the taxi driver took my phone. So come Tuesday morning, I made a police report, got a new blackberry and had my SIM card replaced. Only with my mother's help was I able to do all that and get into the office before 1pm. Monday night while I was online trying to retrieve my lost phone's IMEI and PIN numbers, suspend my line and all that stuff. The entire time though, I was pissed. Seriously pissed off. You see the taxi driver happened to be a friend of a friend from way back. First off, wherever possible, strangers should return lost property... and if its someone you know... even more so. A friend reminded me then (through the wonder that is MSN) that even during difficult/testing times, we should always praise God. So I did. I thanked Him for teaching me, and I prayed for whoever found my phone and kept it. Maybe he really needed the money.
I had my appraisal at work today. This was also a discussion about the salary increment I would be getting. There's a minimum amount that they are contractually obligated to meet, but I had asked for significantly higher than that. I've prayed about it and will continue to do so. Either way though, I'm quite happy with the agency that I'm in and feel very blessed that God placed me in such an environment, with such awesome people.
I had a job interview last evening. A casual sort of chat with the M.D and the Head of Digital of another global ad agency. To be honest, I have no intention of leaving my agency right now, and I do see myself here for quite some time, but I was curious about what the other agency was offering and wanted to check it out. Even though the interview went well, that agency isn't for me, not right now and probably not for a long time. This interview just reaffirmed what a great agency I'm in and I thank God.

Why are do 2 and 3 make me thank God so much? For the past month or so, because I've been rather bored with un-challenging work, I've been wondering to God if this agency is really where He wants me to be in. Questioning if this was really where I'm supposed to be.

And so it is! Praise God. I love You.

walking in humility

2008-04-14T14:10:00.000+08:00

Those who exalt themselves are humbled by the Lord. Those who humble themselves before the Lord are those whom the Lord raises up. Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it just means thinking of yourself less.
- by Rhema Broadcasting Group in association with The Vine - www.thevine.co.nz™

This week the Lord has been saying quite a few things to me through my friends, my lifegroup (cell group), daily devotionals, sermons and more. All different, but all inter-linked.

While I answer His call to share His story, His work in me, I must remember to think about myself less, to not let pride stumble me. That while it may seem like I'm writing about myself, I am not. It is about HIM and HIS work that I am writing about. I am merely a tool for His good work on earth.

At the same time, He talks about courage. How in the bible God tells us 366 times not to fear! All of His people in the bible who answered His call - Paul, Matthew, David, Zacharias, John, Ruth, Mary, all of them were faced with some very difficult, challenging moment/s. What He asked them to do was nothing small, yet with faith and courage, they said, "Yes, Lord". Paul got out of the boat and walked on water. Mary had a son out of wedlock during a time when she could have been stoned for that. David, a mere boy, fought and defeated Goliath.
I am revealing such an intimate part of myself through this blog, there are times I fear the consequences. As you can imagine, almost everyone in my life does not know about the abortion I had, and I have quite a few more skeletons in my closet. What if my family, church-mates, good friends, those who I hold dearest to me, find out about this blog? Will they look at me the same? I think this is partly why I kept this anonymous as well.

And then He talks about His will, His plans for our lives.

Providential Will
Moral Will
Personal Will.

The more familiar (and obedient) we are with His providential and moral will, the easier it will be for us to be aware of His personal will. However, before we ask Him "what do I do now", we must be prepared to be obedient, that no matter that His reply may be, the posture in our hearts is "yes". (I will explain this in depth in a separate posting.)

In a nutshell, while I am being obedient to what He is asking of me right now, I should walk in humility (Ephesians 4:1-2). There should be no need to fear what others might say (Job 5:21). Be strong and courageous, because my Lord is with me and He will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Quick verses
Ephesians 4:1-2
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Job 5:21
21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue, and need not fear when destruction comes.

Deuteronomy 31:6
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

My God is big

2008-04-11T16:09:00.000+08:00

... so strong, so mighty!

Since I started this blog, I realised that certain things in my life have been becoming more difficult/annoying. Some days make me just want to curl up and cry, much less blog.

But God is my hero. There's nothing my God cannot do. With Lord Jesus taking control, what are these difficult days? All I have to do is to reach out to Him with my heart and He will be my refuge.

Two weeks ago I was on my way home from work and it was drizzling while I was walking to the train station. While waiting to cross the road, I said a quick prayer, "God please don't let me get drenched." Just then, a complete stranger came up to me to share his umbrella. Smiling, I accepted and split seconds later, it started to pour down. Buckets and buckets.

Praise God. You are my hero.

Planetshakers & Tim Hughes

2008-04-11T15:57:00.000+08:00

I attended the Planetshakers and Tim Hughes praise & worship event last night at the Singapore Expo and it rocked. The presence of God was definitely there and the energy was amazing!

I heard this song for the first time last night and it really made me really happy. Worshiping Him makes a tired day just disappear. All the madness and anger from that day just melts away and in that moment its just Him and me, and blessing Him is all that matters.

God I love you.

lets go back to december

2008-04-09T17:40:00.000+08:00

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. Lets dub him Nathan. If you haven't realised by now, my name is not really Gracie either. So Nathan and I have been dating for more than a year now. We've hung out with each other families many times over, and
my mother is constantly chucking food at him in a typically Chinese way. Most importantly, we love each other. Very much so. (you can stop gagging now.)

He was born to staunch Christian parents and has been blessed to have known Jesus his entire life. Nathan's faith is unshakable and he serves the Lord in that same manner. Yet he's also fairly liberal, having been educated abroad almost his entire life. Lets just say he can chug down beer like a frat boy and we have both been known to boogie it up on occasion. I don't even want to remember the kind of antics we've both managed to get ourselves into. Funny stories, good times.

So back on track... As a couple, we didn't start out right. When we started dating, I was still pretty far away from God. At that time, He had already been sending me notes for quite a while, though I had yet to respond. I'm stubborn like a mule. We started seeing each other and soon we were sleeping together. Conveniently, he lives alone. I stayed over every weekend and truth be told, we were at it fairly often. Like bunnies.

Then come early February 2007, everything came tumbling down around us. I found myself pregnant. Both of us didn't see any other way out. We were, are, both so young. He was still in university and it was just mere months into our relationship. So we got rid of it. I had an abortion. It was like a part of me had been crushed beyond repair, then something crawled into my heart, died, and started rotting there. Both of us cried so much. I had never felt so lost, so in despair. Eventually, I picked myself off the ground, and put myself into my work. Apart from the occasional teary breakdown I had, we barely talked about it. I think both of us just wanted to pretend that it didn't happen. That things were perfect.

Even though they weren't.

Right after the abortion, I started taking the pill and things just stayed as they were. I still stayed over on weekends and while we were safer, we weren't really all that much smarter with our bodies. For an entire year, even after I found God, our relationship stayed that way. We both talked about it though. We knew it didn't honour God but we just couldn't stop. It had become such a large part of our relationship. Separately, this bugged the both of us and together we talked about it. and we talked about it. and talked some more. Sex had wound itself around the foundations of our relationship and we couldn't get it of the serpent. Not on our own anyway.

Then last December, Nathan went off for a 4D3N young adults camp that his church had organised. Right after his camp he drove over to my place, broke down and cried. God had spoken to him while he was in camp.

We must have held each other for over an hour, just sobbing and talking. That December day, we invited God into our relationship. For the first time, we prayed together as a couple asking for God's help to break the bond that Satan had on us, for strength as a couple and individually and for His presence in our relationship.

so how now brown cow?

2008-04-09T17:08:00.000+08:00

I've been a Christian for over a year now, but I think I've only recently begun to understand how unfathomable the immense reach of God is, and the mind-blowing brilliance of His design.

His plans for my life at times boggles me, and while "listen and obey" may sound like two simple tasks, for the most part they are anything but. At the same time, being more stubborn than most, obviously "obey" doesn't always sit well with me. Over time though, I've come to realise that it is not only easier to obey, it is more blessed to obey.

and this is how.

2008-04-08T17:50:00.000+08:00

Sometime in 2005, I started finding little slips of paper in my handbags. Seriously, I have wayyyy too many handbags, purses, satchels and what not. Women with their bags and shoes you know. But anyway, only in the handbag that I picked to use that particular day would a little note present itself. They appeared at different times. Sometimes months could go by before I found another slip. The first few times it happened I just chucked them aside putting it down as coincidence or some random act of chance. The notes most frequently said, "That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. - Romans 10:9.

I am quite a stubborn individual (I'm pretty darn certain that my boyfriend will vouch for that) and before I believed in something, I needed to see the logic and rationale/explanation behind it. I needed to have all the angles covered. So I tried to explain the notes away.

But I couldn't. I found these notes in different places, at different times, there are no one person/group that could have been sneaking them into my bag. No one in my family could have slipped them in. Besides, none of them are Christian. My mum is a practising Taoist and my sisters are free-thinkers. None of my colleagues could have done it either cos on weekends I would find them in the more casual bags that I didn't carry to the office.

Before you think I've gone mad, I haven't. Friends and family have actually seen these slips. They aren't figments of an overactive imagination. I may work in advertising, but I still have my sanity. ;)

So after more than a year of being "written to", and still not being able to find a logical explanation... to the shock and horror of many friends, I give in and tell a good friend of mine to take me to church.

I still remember the first service I attended. Good Friday service. Honestly, it wasn't convincing or life-changing for me. But a tiny seed was planted and I went for service the week after that, and after that, and after that... For a few months I just sat and listened really. For some reason, it just didn't seem like the right time.

Then one service, I heard a very powerful testimony from an ex-convict and there was this voice that said, "Its time."

That day I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour, and I've never looked back since.

this is the start of how.

2008-04-07T16:59:00.000+08:00

Romans 10:9 says That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

For the longest time, I questioned the existence of God. Then I accepted that there was a God watching over us all. But I didn't believe in Christ. I thought all religions led up to the same God. I thought that God was the all-mighty marketeer using all these different communication channels and all these different languages. Sure, I had read the entire bible cover to cover by the time I was twelve. I had also read books on Buddhism and glanced at the English translation of the Quran. All religions to me were just different means to the same God. None of them taught you to kill or lie or do evil things. They all taught people to live good lives, to do good in life, to respect your elders, etc etc.

I had hours of friendly debate with good friends who were staunch believers of Christ. We really had quite a bit of free time on our hands back then for these chats. I must have thrown every doubt and question that I had in my mind at them. No mention of dinosaurs in the bible! What about evolution? How can you not believe in Darwin's theory of evolution? How can you be absolutely certain that Christianity is the one true means of salvation? What about all those honest people who live good lives and have good moral values? Just because they don't believe in Christ are they all going to hell? What if these good people lived their lives having never heard a single word about Christianity, do they still go to hell? That's not fair..... and we went back and forth and back and forth. Frankly, very few of my questions were answered. But it did get me to asking the most life-changing question (though rather defiantly) - "So if You're really there and if its really Christianity that leads to You, prove it to me!"

and so He did.

God has blessed me with a wonderful testimony and for that reason He's asked me to share it, and more, with everyone else. No, I'm no overzealous Christian nutjob out to rant and rave and "sell" my beliefs. This blog is simply about my walk toward Christ and with Christ. Neither am I some balding old geezer trawling for chicks online nor some prepubescent teenage boy working on a new internet hoax. I'm a regular Singaporean girl in my twenties. I have a post-graduate qualification in marketing. I work in an advertising agency. I have a boyfriend, family and quite a few friends. I do not look like the hunchback of Notre Dame. So you ask, why am I doing this anonymously? Partly because I feel that my testimony does not need my face or name leading it. Partly because I value my privacy and something tells me this is how it should be, for now at least. You might also be wondering why I'm using a blog to do so. Yes, I know - its sooo been done before. But I am in advertising, and my specialty as a suit is actually in digital advertising. I believe in the power of the internet as a communication channel.

If you've made it this far, I'm really glad you're here.