The beginning of the end of it all

Warning: Long post ahead.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.

Recently I've been praying for God to break my heart. Why? I do not know. But here's what my past 2 weeks have been like:

I've realised that I am not very happy with the new job. That while I love what I do (advertising - digital) very much, this new agency has started making me hate what I do. And I've only been there for a month. I can't pinpoint it to one specific incident or one exact problem, but what I do know is that this is not the right place for me.

In my prayers, I've been constantly committing my life, of which my career plays a large part, to Him. I've taken to praying that He takes my life, my career, me and do what He will with it all. As much as it scares me, this is not what He intends for me. What exactly God intends for me to do, I do not know, but what I will do is resign first thing after I return to the office on the 18th. I have never ever left a job without another job lined up. My goodness. As much of a strong front I have put on about this to friends and family, I'm worried, yes I am, but I trust Him to open the doors for me. He holds me in the palm of His hand and I know that He will not let me fall.

With that decision made, my heart was calmer but still rather uneasy and unhappy as ironically, my period of notice will be twice as long as my duration of service so far. Heh.

Nathan and I have broken up. The weekend that followed, I was an absolute wreck. I cried for probably 30 hours straight. I cried in my sleep, the moment I woke, while I was on the loo, while I was watching the telly. Everywhere. Yet I wasn't just crying over the end of yet another relationship. I felt so lost, so small. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and unbeliveable helplessness. I had never felt so... broken in my life. For the first time ever, I couldn't even see a tomorrow.

So I prayed. I prayed for myself, for Nathan, for my father, for my sisters, for just so so many people. I asked for forgiveness, guidance, wisdom and strength, I prayed that He would take away the pain and hurt, that He would heal me. I wanted simply to be whole again. I asked for protection, for peace in my heart and mind. There had been so many things that I had yet to forgive myself for.

I prayed so so so much, holed up in the dark alone, not eating or seeing. Then God led me to realise that He was answering my prayers. The Lord was breaking my heart. This breakup was merely the straw that broke this camel's back.

Then came Sunday. I awoke with a peace in my heart, a calm that I myself could not believe I was capable of feeling. Brick by brick, God was putting me back together. Building me back whole again.

As a young Christian, I had prayed for unshakeable, child-like faith. During those two dark nights, God grew my faith. He watered my tree so that its roots would dig deeper into the soil. God knew exactly what was needed to demolish my world, to kill off what illusions I had of independence, what plans I had for me, myself and I. He was, is, the only one who could heal my heart and make it clean. Those two days, I learnt about God-dependence, not self reliance.

Father, I am Your faithful servant. Use me as You will.