This is about my walk with God. An on-going testimony of His work in me and around me. I write about blessings, temptations, challenges and His presence in my life. This is a record of my journey as a Christian.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.
Recently I've been praying for God to break my heart. Why? I do not know. But here's what my past 2 weeks have been like:
I've realised that I am not very happy with the new job. That while I love what I do (advertising - digital) very much, this new agency has started making me hate what I do. And I've only been there for a month. I can't pinpoint it to one specific incident or one exact problem, but what I do know is that this is not the right place for me.
In my prayers, I've been constantly committing my life, of which my career plays a large part, to Him. I've taken to praying that He takes my life, my career, me and do what He will with it all. As much as it scares me, this is not what He intends for me. What exactly God intends for me to do, I do not know, but what I will do is resign first thing after I return to the office on the 18th. I have never ever left a job without another job lined up. My goodness. As much of a strong front I have put on about this to friends and family, I'm worried, yes I am, but I trust Him to open the doors for me. He holds me in the palm of His hand and I know that He will not let me fall.
With that decision made, my heart was calmer but still rather uneasy and unhappy as ironically, my period of notice will be twice as long as my duration of service so far. Heh.
Nathan and I have broken up. The weekend that followed, I was an absolute wreck. I cried for probably 30 hours straight. I cried in my sleep, the moment I woke, while I was on the loo, while I was watching the telly. Everywhere. Yet I wasn't just crying over the end of yet another relationship. I felt so lost, so small. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and unbeliveable helplessness. I had never felt so... broken in my life. For the first time ever, I couldn't even see a tomorrow.
So I prayed. I prayed for myself, for Nathan, for my father, for my sisters, for just so so many people. I asked for forgiveness, guidance, wisdom and strength, I prayed that He would take away the pain and hurt, that He would heal me. I wanted simply to be whole again. I asked for protection, for peace in my heart and mind. There had been so many things that I had yet to forgive myself for.
I prayed so so so much, holed up in the dark alone, not eating or seeing. Then God led me to realise that He was answering my prayers. The Lord was breaking my heart. This breakup was merely the straw that broke this camel's back.
Then came Sunday. I awoke with a peace in my heart, a calm that I myself could not believe I was capable of feeling. Brick by brick, God was putting me back together. Building me back whole again.
As a young Christian, I had prayed for unshakeable, child-like faith. During those two dark nights, God grew my faith. He watered my tree so that its roots would dig deeper into the soil. God knew exactly what was needed to demolish my world, to kill off what illusions I had of independence, what plans I had for me, myself and I. He was, is, the only one who could heal my heart and make it clean. Those two days, I learnt about God-dependence, not self reliance.
Father, I am Your faithful servant. Use me as You will.
The night before the cremation, I dreamt that Jordan, V and I were sitting at the back of a taxi. It was the morning of the cremation and sunlight was streaming through the windows as trees flew by. He was smiling and happy, looking oh so Jordan. He asked if anyone needed a ride to get to his wake. He wondered if his coffin was gonna be too heavy and wanted to know if his brothers needed help with it. At the back of that taxi-cab, we were happy, we were smiling and we were free. And when I woke I knew he was alright. Everything was alright.
The road is long With many a winding turn That leads us to who knows where Who knows when But I'm strong Strong enough to carry him He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go His welfare is of my concern No burden is he to bear We'll get there For I know He would not encumber me He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all I'm laden with sadness That everyone's heart Isn't filled with the gladness Of love for one another
It's a long, long road From which there is no return While we're on the way to there Why not share And the load Doesn't weigh me down at all He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He's my brother He ain't heavy, he's my brother...
10 The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. Psalm 90:10 This morning, we attended the final service for Jordan. We kissed flowers and left them on his coffin, cried as the final prayer was said to commit his body to the Lord for cremation.
It was heart wrenching to see his family weeping and shouting his name. But in the midst of all that sorrow, was Jordan's mother who, as the coffin was wheeled towards the flames, cried out praises to the Lord, thanking Him for twenty-five years with Jordan. She shouted her thanks, lifted her hands in worship and wept bittersweet tears knowing that her son was with our Father. Jordan's dad did likewise with tears streaming down his face, echoing his wife in worship and thanksgiving. That was unshakable faith and God-given strength that I witnessed today. It was undeniable that God was present in the viewing hall this morning. Father just as you said you would.
11The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.Psalm 29:11
So like as Exodus 15:2 goes... 2The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.
...Father I praise you. I thank you Lord for blessing us with the time we had with Jordan. I worship you with all my heart. You are an awesome, awesome God!
I come before you today And there's just one thing that I want to say Thank you lord Thank you lord For all you've given to me For all the blessings that I cannot see Thank you lord Thank you lord
With a grateful heart With a song of praise With an outstretched arm I will bless your name Thank you lord I just wanna thank you lord Thank you lord I just wanna thank you lord Thank you lord
For all you've done in my life You took my darkness and gave me your light Thank you lord Thank you lord You took my sin and my shame You took my sickness and healed all my pain Thank you lord Thank you lord
Jordan was one the smartest guy friends I had. He had finally settled into a stable job that he was proud of, that he worked very hard at. He had just started seeing someone. Jordan was one of the most sensible bikers I knew. Recently he became the youngest Ducati owner in Singapore.
The last intense conversation we had was over lime sodas at the Handlebar. It was his first time to Handlebar and he absolutely loved the place. We talked about death and Jordan wanted Heaven to be like the Handlebar.
At about 3am Sunday morning, Jordan was riding home from a barbecue at a friend's place, going down a straight, smooth road, the front of his bike started wobbling severely from side to side. Friends riding behind him saw the bike shake violently, sparks flying, then Jordan.
Jordan Tay was called home to be with the Lord on 4 May 08. The wake is held at 38 Sin Min Drive #01-545. Cortege leaves on Wednesday 7 May for Madai Crematorium for cremation at 11.30am. Please pray for his family and friends. Pray for strength, peace and acceptance. But praise the Lord also, for Jordan is home now.
He left with his family and his four best friends by his side, last thing he was doing was riding on his new baby. If anything, that was the way that he would have wanted to go. He left such a deep impression on everyone who had ever known him. He made people think harder, smile brighter and live stronger. Sometimes, it seems that God takes all the good ones first.
Even though I cry over his passing, I'm grateful that he didn't suffer long and comforted that he is home with the Lord. Thank you God.
I know that when my days are over here, we'll see each other again. Bro I love you. See you when I see you.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours, 
