The Someday List

1. Watch M rock out in front of a live audience

2. Catch Paul Anka's big band version of Oasis's Wonderwall, live

3. Hit up Cova

4. NYE

5. For M to meet with my girls, get interrogated and laugh loads.

6. April Fool's

7. Travel

8. To be able to make actual plans

9. A dog named boo

Yes, these may always be hopelessly romantic dreams of ours, but we have them anyway.

And this list can only keep growing for now.

This season in summary

Okay, this is a massive information overload, esp since I've already posted 5 entries before this, but I might as well fill this blog up with whatever I can, while I remember to do so.

I will do it quick, in brief points.

1. I will be leaving in 4 days for a mission trip to Hanoi, where we will be holding workshops for up to 150 youths and some 40-50 youth leaders. Please keep the team in prayer. Most of us have never taught anything before, much less spoken in front of that many people. We aren't leaders in church, with the exception of one Pastor Henry who's leading the team up, so the butterflies in our tummies are going kinda crazy.
2. Mission trip to Hanoi - God has shown His provision time and time again. We prayed for the right team to come together, and He brought forth the most eclectic team mix. It could only be God... yet it works in a strange and wonderful way. He's provided for us in terms of funds as well. We're covering our own air tickets, meals and accommodation of course, but we prayed for funding for the rental of the conference rooms in Hanoi, sponsorship for some of the youth, love gifts, etc and He sent someone to bless us with $3,000. Another team member's dad is sponsoring the printing of our team notebooks, and a friend stepped up to sponsor travel insurance for the team. How good is our Lord!!
3. I started seeing someone, M, then stopped it because of promptings from the Holy Spirit. Yes, the feelings are still there, and yes he checks off many of the things I want in a partner, but I trust in the Holy Spirit and I just want to be obedient to His leading. Only if we both walk closer to God will we ever be able to get closer to each other. I think M, needs to get closer to God first. I don't want to be a distraction, nor the reason for him to seek God. I know I can only be with someone who loves God more than anything else, me included. As much as it hurts us both at the moment, we both know that it isn't right by God right now. It seems to be a matter of time, however, God's timing works on a different clock, so we will see. I know He holds tomorrow, and I know He holds my hand.
4. I've started mentoring someone in church as well. Its a lot more difficult than I thought it would ever be. So if you get a chance, pray for me please?
5. I'm praying for what God wants me to do with my life. I think its about time I found out about my life's calling, not just my seasonal duties. Surely it can't be to teach?

Hand in hand

I caught a glimpse of a father holding the hand of his little girl as they walked down the street this morning. The first thought that came to mind was: my father never did that. And then I thought, yet I've held the hands of so many men, only to be heartbroken.

But I've found the hand that will never let me down. His hands will always be there to catch me when I fall, to hold me in a dance, to walk with me every step of the way.

The beginning of the end of it all

Warning: Long post ahead.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.

Recently I've been praying for God to break my heart. Why? I do not know. But here's what my past 2 weeks have been like:

I've realised that I am not very happy with the new job. That while I love what I do (advertising - digital) very much, this new agency has started making me hate what I do. And I've only been there for a month. I can't pinpoint it to one specific incident or one exact problem, but what I do know is that this is not the right place for me.

In my prayers, I've been constantly committing my life, of which my career plays a large part, to Him. I've taken to praying that He takes my life, my career, me and do what He will with it all. As much as it scares me, this is not what He intends for me. What exactly God intends for me to do, I do not know, but what I will do is resign first thing after I return to the office on the 18th. I have never ever left a job without another job lined up. My goodness. As much of a strong front I have put on about this to friends and family, I'm worried, yes I am, but I trust Him to open the doors for me. He holds me in the palm of His hand and I know that He will not let me fall.

With that decision made, my heart was calmer but still rather uneasy and unhappy as ironically, my period of notice will be twice as long as my duration of service so far. Heh.

Nathan and I have broken up. The weekend that followed, I was an absolute wreck. I cried for probably 30 hours straight. I cried in my sleep, the moment I woke, while I was on the loo, while I was watching the telly. Everywhere. Yet I wasn't just crying over the end of yet another relationship. I felt so lost, so small. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and unbeliveable helplessness. I had never felt so... broken in my life. For the first time ever, I couldn't even see a tomorrow.

So I prayed. I prayed for myself, for Nathan, for my father, for my sisters, for just so so many people. I asked for forgiveness, guidance, wisdom and strength, I prayed that He would take away the pain and hurt, that He would heal me. I wanted simply to be whole again. I asked for protection, for peace in my heart and mind. There had been so many things that I had yet to forgive myself for.

I prayed so so so much, holed up in the dark alone, not eating or seeing. Then God led me to realise that He was answering my prayers. The Lord was breaking my heart. This breakup was merely the straw that broke this camel's back.

Then came Sunday. I awoke with a peace in my heart, a calm that I myself could not believe I was capable of feeling. Brick by brick, God was putting me back together. Building me back whole again.

As a young Christian, I had prayed for unshakeable, child-like faith. During those two dark nights, God grew my faith. He watered my tree so that its roots would dig deeper into the soil. God knew exactly what was needed to demolish my world, to kill off what illusions I had of independence, what plans I had for me, myself and I. He was, is, the only one who could heal my heart and make it clean. Those two days, I learnt about God-dependence, not self reliance.

Father, I am Your faithful servant. Use me as You will.

A Father's Love Letter

This was read out during our mothers' day service. I know its rather tardy of me to be posting this only now, but I very much wanted to have this up before I posted anything else.

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love,
Your Dad.

Jordan Tay

Jordan was one the smartest guy friends I had. He had finally settled into a stable job that he was proud of, that he worked very hard at. He had just started seeing someone. Jordan was one of the most sensible bikers I knew. Recently he became the youngest Ducati owner in Singapore.

The last intense conversation we had was over lime sodas at the Handlebar. It was his first time to Handlebar and he absolutely loved the place. We talked about death and Jordan wanted Heaven to be like the Handlebar.

At about 3am Sunday morning, Jordan was riding home from a barbecue at a friend's place, going down a straight, smooth road, the front of his bike started wobbling severely from side to side. Friends riding behind him saw the bike shake violently, sparks flying, then Jordan.

Jordan Tay was called home to be with the Lord on 4 May 08. The wake is held at 38 Sin Min Drive #01-545. Cortege leaves on Wednesday 7 May for Madai Crematorium for cremation at 11.30am. Please pray for his family and friends. Pray for strength, peace and acceptance. But praise the Lord also, for Jordan is home now.

He left with his family and his four best friends by his side, last thing he was doing was riding on his new baby. If anything, that was the way that he would have wanted to go. He left such a deep impression on everyone who had ever known him. He made people think harder, smile brighter and live stronger. Sometimes, it seems that God takes all the good ones first.

Even though I cry over his passing, I'm grateful that he didn't suffer long and comforted that he is home with the Lord. Thank you God.

I know that when my days are over here, we'll see each other again. Bro I love you. See you when I see you.

Silver and the Refiner's Fire

received via email forwarding from a colleague.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the! flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver ."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered,"Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

Que Sera, Sera

On a drive back from a really good dinner last night, I was telling Nathan about this song that my mother used to sing to me when I was a wee toddler. Brings back so many memories.

It was a 1950s hit song by Doris Day.

Have a listen.

walking in humility

Those who exalt themselves are humbled by the Lord. Those who humble themselves before the Lord are those whom the Lord raises up. Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it just means thinking of yourself less.
- by Rhema Broadcasting Group in association with The Vine - www.thevine.co.nz™

This week the Lord has been saying quite a few things to me through my friends, my lifegroup (cell group), daily devotionals, sermons and more. All different, but all inter-linked.

While I answer His call to share His story, His work in me, I must remember to think about myself less, to not let pride stumble me. That while it may seem like I'm writing about myself, I am not. It is about HIM and HIS work that I am writing about. I am merely a tool for His good work on earth.

At the same time, He talks about courage. How in the bible God tells us 366 times not to fear! All of His people in the bible who answered His call - Paul, Matthew, David, Zacharias, John, Ruth, Mary, all of them were faced with some very difficult, challenging moment/s. What He asked them to do was nothing small, yet with faith and courage, they said, "Yes, Lord". Paul got out of the boat and walked on water. Mary had a son out of wedlock during a time when she could have been stoned for that. David, a mere boy, fought and defeated Goliath.
I am revealing such an intimate part of myself through this blog, there are times I fear the consequences. As you can imagine, almost everyone in my life does not know about the abortion I had, and I have quite a few more skeletons in my closet. What if my family, church-mates, good friends, those who I hold dearest to me, find out about this blog? Will they look at me the same? I think this is partly why I kept this anonymous as well.

And then He talks about His will, His plans for our lives.

1. Providential Will
2. Moral Will
3. Personal Will.

The more familiar (and obedient) we are with His providential and moral will, the easier it will be for us to be aware of His personal will. However, before we ask Him "what do I do now", we must be prepared to be obedient, that no matter that His reply may be, the posture in our hearts is "yes". (I will explain this in depth in a separate posting.)

In a nutshell, while I am being obedient to what He is asking of me right now, I should walk in humility (Ephesians 4:1-2). There should be no need to fear what others might say (Job 5:21). Be strong and courageous, because my Lord is with me and He will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Quick verses
Ephesians 4:1-2
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Job 5:21
21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue, and need not fear when destruction comes.

Deuteronomy 31:6
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

lets go back to december

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. Lets dub him Nathan. If you haven't realised by now, my name is not really Gracie either. So Nathan and I have been dating for more than a year now. We've hung out with each other families many times over, and
my mother is constantly chucking food at him in a typically Chinese way. Most importantly, we love each other. Very much so. (you can stop gagging now.)

He was born to staunch Christian parents and has been blessed to have known Jesus his entire life. Nathan's faith is unshakable and he serves the Lord in that same manner. Yet he's also fairly liberal, having been educated abroad almost his entire life. Lets just say he can chug down beer like a frat boy and we have both been known to boogie it up on occasion. I don't even want to remember the kind of antics we've both managed to get ourselves into. Funny stories, good times.

So back on track... As a couple, we didn't start out right. When we started dating, I was still pretty far away from God. At that time, He had already been sending me notes for quite a while, though I had yet to respond. I'm stubborn like a mule. We started seeing each other and soon we were sleeping together. Conveniently, he lives alone. I stayed over every weekend and truth be told, we were at it fairly often. Like bunnies.

Then come early February 2007, everything came tumbling down around us. I found myself pregnant. Both of us didn't see any other way out. We were, are, both so young. He was still in university and it was just mere months into our relationship. So we got rid of it. I had an abortion. It was like a part of me had been crushed beyond repair, then something crawled into my heart, died, and started rotting there. Both of us cried so much. I had never felt so lost, so in despair. Eventually, I picked myself off the ground, and put myself into my work. Apart from the occasional teary breakdown I had, we barely talked about it. I think both of us just wanted to pretend that it didn't happen. That things were perfect.

Even though they weren't.

Right after the abortion, I started taking the pill and things just stayed as they were. I still stayed over on weekends and while we were safer, we weren't really all that much smarter with our bodies. For an entire year, even after I found God, our relationship stayed that way. We both talked about it though. We knew it didn't honour God but we just couldn't stop. It had become such a large part of our relationship. Separately, this bugged the both of us and together we talked about it. and we talked about it. and talked some more. Sex had wound itself around the foundations of our relationship and we couldn't get it of the serpent. Not on our own anyway.

Then last December, Nathan went off for a 4D3N young adults camp that his church had organised. Right after his camp he drove over to my place, broke down and cried. God had spoken to him while he was in camp.

We must have held each other for over an hour, just sobbing and talking. That December day, we invited God into our relationship. For the first time, we prayed together as a couple asking for God's help to break the bond that Satan had on us, for strength as a couple and individually and for His presence in our relationship.